I make a lot of excuses for not starting things. A lot. My personal favourite is a weird O.C.D. like trait, in which I have to start on a significant date. My birthday. New Year’s Day. The day of my wedding. Since that last one is super unrealistic, the day AFTER my wedding would suffice, but if I wait TWO days then nope. Better wait until my first anniversary.
I think I have always been this way, but I know I have always been a terrible procrastinator and personal projects are the absolute worst. Without a rigid deadline and serious repercussions I won’t do anything. I don’t know why, though. Procrastinating makes sense when it comes to dry school or work-related assignments, but we’re talking about things that I enjoy! That I not only want to do, but feel the need to do! For myself! It’s so stupid. Anyway, I’m calling it a personal victory that I started today, because not only did I push through my procrastinator’s tendencies, but this day doesn’t mean shit. My birthday was three weeks ago, my anniversary isn’t until March/May (more on that later), New Year’s is still months out, and yet, I just started. Yay, me. To be totally honest with you, Mr. Nobody, I even had to fight the urge to start tomorrow or Monday, because either starting on a weekend or the first day of a week – any week – seemed more legit to my crazy mind.
The other frustrating aspect of the countless years of procrastinating is that I have so many ideas! I often drive or walk somewhere, alone with my thoughts, unable to mindlessly scroll through Instagram posts for fear of…well, death by vehicle. During these few and far between alone times, I think of so many blog ideas, writing ideas, plots for children’s books, plots for novels, podcast themes, you name it. I am not tooting my own horn, either, I’m sure most of them are garbage, but the point is, I have them and I do nothing. Okay, I lied back there. It is so ingrained in me to say that I’m worthless (not ingrained by anyone but myself, please don’t go calling adult protective services or anything), that I said my ideas are probably garbage, but I actually don’t think that. In society, we, especially women, I would argue, are taught to be “humble” which is a slippery slope into self-deprecating and I am certainly not an exception to that. I actually think most of my ideas are really good, but I have a hell of a time admitting it (I feel like I want to say more on this later, there’s way more to unpack with this). Anyway, the point is, I have ideas (good ones) and I’d like to spend a little less time sitting on my ass watching sitcoms and looking at former Bachelor contestants’ social media pages and a little more time trying to build my own presence on this planet.