On Anxiety, Amirite?

Anxiety is a bitch. Seriously. Like the mean girl in the cafeteria who convinces everyone not to let you sit with them for no apparent reason at all, but even though you know you didn’t do anything to deserve this, you still wrack your brain trying to figure out what you did wrong, because it much be something.

I wrack my brain daily. More than daily. Hourly. As soon as that chest tightening feeling starts to occur and my breath feels a bit more shallow than normal, the brain goes into overdrive trying to figure out what I did to mean Ms. Anxiety. ┬áSometimes I think of concrete possibilities, “did I turn off my hair straightener this morning? Surely, I would know by now if my house has burned down…should I have said that slightly off-colour joke the other day? Have I gravely offended someone past the point of repair?” Yes. This is all one fluid thought, and I experience something to this affect several times each day. ┬áThe problem is, Ms. Anxiety is actually me, so it’s not just a simple matter of cutting her out of my life and moving on. I’m the one metaphorically convincing everyone to shun me.

What all of this means, is that I am treating myself the way that mean bitch in high school would have treated me. The old cliche is to treat people the way you would like to be treated, but I wouldn’t inflict on my worst enemy what I do to myself. Furthermore, I would probably have more compassion for my worst enemy than I do to myself. I beat myself up, then I beat myself for beating myself up. It’s a cycle, it’s vicious and I’m trying my damndest to break it. Stay tuned.

On Procrastination

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I have had a rather extreme case of writer’s block for…oh, just about 12 years now. I kept journals as a teenager, rather religiously, or at least at certain points, religiously. They all seem to drop off at some point or another with a “talk to you tomorrow” and pick up a year or so later. Nevertheless, this is definitely the longest “drop off” at about 12+ years.

One of my problems with writing is the new (okay, not so new) age of the blog. As did everyone else, I’m sure, I always wrote in my journals with the thought that maybe someday someone would read it. Not just my mom or sister, but some famous publisher would find it (in my messy bedside drawer, obviously, makes complete sense) and just HAVE to publish my inner most teenage thoughts. We are all terribly narcissistic at 14, aren’t we? I know I wasn’t alone in this though, thinking that my teenage troubles were somehow unique and fascinating to more people than just myself. The problem today, however, is that if you choose to write a blog, which I have mulled over for nearly a decade, your words are likely to be read. Sure, I could jot down feelings and ideas in a journal, but in many ways, I am still very much that 14 year old narcissist. Don’t get me wrong (yes, I am aware I’m doing it now, talking to an imaginary person, but bear with me, Mr. Nobody), I know that there are millions of blogs falling under the self-indulgent, self-deprecating, self-aggrandizing, self-loathing and any other self-centred genre you can think of. Mine would just be another needle in the world’s largest haystack, but that has still somehow held me back from writing. As if, I want people to read my words, but I also don’t. As if, I know that the likelihood of going viral is approximately zero, which both encourages me to just do it and also discourages me from even bothering.

I am a procrastinator, through and through (and through and through and through), so that has been a huge part of it, but I have also felt myself drawn to writing more and more and more lately. It’s been missing from my life for so long, and yet, it was only recently that I started feeling an undeniable urge to get these thoughts down on paper (metaphorical paper; actual keyboard/computer screen). I’ve started to think in written form which is something I haven’t done in many years and something only a writer could relate to, but if you write, you will know what I mean. And yet, here we are, at 31, writing for basically the first time in over a decade.

We’ll see how this goes.